Personal to ABC-15’s Nicole Beyer:
What’s an, um, “anal beer bong”?

Dear Nicole:

Your breathless story about new trends in teen drug use on the local news the other night sure was scary!

Of course, we couldn’t not watch after we were warned at the beginning the story had graphic content.

But in the end we felt cheated.

You told us kids were using “anal beer bongs.” Your interviewee then said, meaningfully:

“It’s quicker absorption, it’s hidden, and it’s new!”

I guess we’re slow, but that wasn’t enough explanation for us.

And we also think you missed a big story. Just going from the description, we can’t imagine that this is a device or practice involving just one kid.

We mean, think about it. There are anal beer bong parties going on out there!

And we also don’t quite get how the beer mixes with the pot. You can’t smoke wet pot, right?

So were thinking this must involve some sort of fairly complex device; something with a chamber that can allow something to be smoked; another, separated from the first, to put the beer in; and then some fiendish mechanism that, according to Meyer’s interviewee, would allow something to be “absorbed”—presumably (and here we have to extend a graphic content warning ourselves) into the anus of the good sport who offered up his or her posterior as the host of this particular anal beer bong party.

Nicole Beyer didn’t tell us what these get-togethers are called.

Kids, if you don’t have a euphemistic name yet, we have one.

How about: “Party at Nicole’s!”?